I love reading so much that sometimes I forget to write. I love writing so much that sometimes I forget to read. I love writing my little Instagram content and fun little ditties (which were only ever meant to be an aside and serve as a daily writing “warm up”) so much that sometimes I forget to get around to my “real” writing.
My increasingly urgent realization that I need to focus on my health and wellness makes it hard for me to concentrate when I’m doing any kind of sitting activity. Reading and writing are sitting activities. I feel like I should be working out or, at the very least, going for a walk or sitting on a yoga mat.
The nagging list of ignored household chores and things to declutter and do makes it hard for me to concentrate when I’m doing the things I love. Reading and writing are things I love. I feel like I should be food shopping, preparing a meal, washing some sheets.
The growing list of projects to flesh out, books to read, websites to check out, ideas to tickle makes it hard for me to concentrate when I’m working on what I’m working on.
I am almost fully my own boss, practically retired, with only a few part time firm commitments and no real pressures and yet I am constantly pulled, adrenalin pumping, spinning and rushing through my days, most often falling into bed with a sense that I didn’t quite hit the mark — again!
These random and sporadic blog posts are part of the fall out. The growing pile of partially completed writing projects is another. The 10 to 30 redundant pounds I’ve been lugging around with me for the past couple of dozen years is yet another. I’m doing a lot of things, kind of well. I’m doing nothing, really well. I want to change that.
I know what I need to do. I need to get more disciplined and unapologetically, wholeheartedly engage in whatever I’m engaging in. Enough of this splintered attention and foggy focus and waffling about what I should be doing instead of what I’m doing.
If I resent the time away from my day that I’m currently dedicating to exercise I must remind myself of the time I’ll gain, by being alive for more years.
If I resent the time away from writing that I spend with my head in a good book, I must remind myself what I’m learning about writing well, or poorly, and what new ideas are making their way into my head.
If I resent the time away from reading as I fumble through a blog, my morning pages, some silly poem that won’t ever see the light of day, or some serious content on my current project, I must remind myself that I will only become a better writer by writing. There’s no other way. Pen to paper. Every single day.
Don’t laugh, but I have a Word of the Year I chose for myself. DISCIPLINE. In all things. And I suspect that the more discipline I practice, the more discipline I will have, and the more disciplined I will be. I think that’s how things work. You behave in a way that you wish to behave….and voila! Well duh….
I’m excellent at goal setting. Breaking them down. Figuring out action steps. Slotting them into the calendar. And even actually taking action. Until suddenly I get interrupted by myself, slightly short of breath, suggesting that maybe I should be reading instead of writing; or at the gym instead of reading; or vacuuming instead of being at the gym. I think the problem is that I have too many goals and I haven’t properly prioritized them.
I am a superb planner. I can plan and plan and plan and plan. And I do. And then I re-plan when plans change. I’m so flexible that I am willing to start my plans from scratch over and over and over. I plan myself in circles. I plan myself into a corner. I plan myself to a standstill. This has to change.
I don’t want to play small when it comes to my goals. I love all my goals. But I need to have a hard look at my priorities. And then I need to decide. And then I need to go. All in. All out. And truly I don’t think anything will suffer. When I am at the gym, I will be at the gym. When I am writing, I will be writing. When I am reading, I will be reading. My permission and directions to myself have to be clear and unequivocal. Set goals. Plan. Do. And when I’m doing…do what I am doing. Don’t look up, don’t look down, don’t look sideways.
So my top priorty needs to be to figure out my priorites. Ok, now I’m really excited….Gotta go….