Is this okay?

Oh no, when’s the last time I wrote a blog? Damn. So overdue now. I hate not sticking to my plan.
But no one reads anyway. What’s the point?
Well actually, a few people read.
What if they are waiting for one?
I better write one.
But what topic?
Wait, don’t I have other more pressing things to do besides a dumb blog?
Oh yeah, I need to have content on my website. SEO – that search engine optimization business – that might make it more likely that people come across my website. That’s why I need to do regular blogs.  But how often? Once a week? Once a month? I have no idea. I don’t want to write one just for the sake of writing one if I have nothing that I really want to say.
But why do I need to send people to my website, the only thing there is some boring background information and some assorted blogs that clearly show I am all over the place in terms of my niche. Oh yeah, and my book.  And if I write other books, I’ll put them there too.
I guess it’s just one more place that people might be able to see my writing.
I have a gazillion ideas for blogs. And for books for that matter. How can I pick? How long should it be? Should I follow the same topic as my last blog or randomly go off on another tangent?
I have way too much other stuff to do.
I have to figure out a Twitter strategy. Arggg….part of me hates spending time on social media, but another part of me knows that’s where the readers are and also a ton of inspiration and ideas for writing.  I sort of have a plan for Instagram, but I really need to think of a long term strategy for Twitter and Facebook.  And then I have to dedicated time to it.  Arggg. Should that be a priority?  More important than blog, but less important that book content? I don’t know, I don’t know.
Damn, I really need to read more. My To Read list is growing everyday.
And what about writing exercises? Sure, I do my Morning Pages everyday and I create content for my Instagram feed and for whatever bigger project I’m working on, but what about just plain old writing exercises? I really need to fit that in again. Makes a big difference.
Oh man, I was going to meditate too. That’s supposed to be good for writers – that little space and pause and gap…lots of ideas seem to be stirred up. Kind of like the shower.  And I really do like meditating. I want to read more about that kind of thing too.  When, when, when?
Maybe I can cheat a little and meditate when I go for a walk. Oh, but I don’t do that everyday either, come to think of it.
Oh God, how pathetic. I officially do not have an outside job anymore and I can’t seem to find 20 minutes to go for a walk.
For my next book I wonder if I should look into other self-publishing platforms and epublishing platforms or just stick to the ones I stumbled across for my first book.
Poetry is so lame. OMG who even reads poetry these days?  How did I even get into poetry? Weird.
It’s embarrassing to tell people I write poems. And a poetry book doesn’t even seem like a real book so I can’t exactly call myself an author, can I? A poet? Hahaha, no way.
Most “real” poets write stuff that is so profound I have no idea what they are talking about and most “instapoets” only write random sentences about  broken hearts or a horrible life. I’m pretty sure they are all under age 25. Oh God. What am I doing?
But wait…I have quite a few followers and definitely have a handful who say they like what I write. I think some of what I write is relateable.
But isn’t it a waste of time?
Is it?
I don’t know anymore.
How do I sell more books? I hate promoting and being pushy. Do I even care if my books sell?
Should I keep doing more poetry books? Or should I move on? I have so many ideas.
If I don’t ever develop a niche and just bounce around from idea to idea that’s probably not good. Or does it even matter? Maybe it’s okay to have a pile of different genres and niches? Or maybe not?
I hate talking to people about what I’m doing. Firstly, because I don’t actually know what I’m doing until I do it and secondly because I can sense people are only asking out of politeness and see their eyes glazing over if I actually go into any detail. Hmmm… I have to figure out a pat response that shows I’m grateful for their enquiry, but then cleverly divert and avoid going into any painful, and no doubt fuzzy and vague, detail.
Is it better to work simultaneously on 4 different projects, which is kind of what I’m doing now…Or just pause everything but the one and get it done? I like the variety of different projects, but then it gives me permission to draw things out and not really properly finish anything.  That could be a dangerous approach.  Am I scared to commit to just one in case it ends up being a wash out? In case I can’t get it off the ground or once I get into it I realize there’s not as much there as I originally thought?  Does doing multiple projects psychologically protect me from failure, while also ensuring that I remain a little uncommitted?
As I get closer to having content created and it’s time for formatting and proofing then I go “all in” to that project, but otherwise I tend to like to putter around doing a bit of this and a bit of that. I think that’s okay, isn’t it?
Hold on, who is making the rules? Who says what’s okay and what’s not?
Why don’t I trust myself to approach things my own way? Why do I think everyone else is an expert?
Good question.
There are no rules. Even the rules I make up for myself are arbitrary and subject to change the moment they no longer feel good.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay then.
Just to prove that I can do what I want and that the sky won’t fall in, I am actually going to publish a ridiculous blog that is in the form of a pile of random questions and does not have proper paragraphs or an introduction and is probably incoherent. I can do whatever I want. Some people will like it. Some people will not. So what?
I will do what feels natural and comfortable for me…and trust that however things work out, is how they are meant to work out.
Good. Okay.
Done.